Another year ...

So another year has passed ... and with it comes the inevitable round of self-assessment. You know other animals don't do this to themselves. You don't hear about Dolphins staring at their navels, critically assessing their pluses and minuses. They don't sit at home alone sucking back a bottle of wine or two talking to themselves about what they should've, would've, and could’ve done. Dolphins don't promise themselves they will do better in the year to come  ... okay maybe you don't do that either. Stop judging! But people do ... sit back and take stock; although often too critically. And, well I'm no different than those of you who do. But I have another dimension to add to this year's WTF. This year, nine former colleagues and friends won't be celebrating 2012 with family and friends. Their lives have come to an end. Their dreams, their hopes, their world, their loves are only memories for others. Good people with good lives, with good friends, with good family no longer able to ruminate about possibilities. To the best of my knowledge, that is the purview of the living. So what to make of that?

Life is short. There is no should’ve, would’ve, could’ve when you’re gone. So maybe the Dolphins have it right. Maybe all there really is and ever has been, is right now. So instead of making promises, or beating ourselves up about things that have already passed … maybe we should just get on with living our imperfect lives and loving the fact that we can … no matter how well or not so well we execute it.

Have a great New Year … I like you just the way you are.

A beautiful thing ...

Last Sunday I was spending the day with my kids, my daughter is 23 and my son is 19. My daughter was recently diagnosed with Epilepsy, a condition that has changed her life in ways she never could have contemplated as a young vibrant adult. But with the first seizure, she was in an instance transformed in ways that the healthy can only imagine. She lost her right to drive and with it her sense of independence, she lost her youthful notion of invincibility, and perhaps worst of all she lost her previous sense of self. As you can imagine it's proving a challenge for her to come to terms with her new reality. She will of course in time adjust, she is at her roots, strong willed and equally determined, but for this moment she is reeling and vulnerable.

Up until this point I hadn't seen an actual episode. On Sunday I would be treated to 12 separate seizures over an 11 hour period. It's disturbing and sobering to watch your baby, or anyone for that matter, go through such an ordeal. But I witnessed something else, something incredibly moving and reassuring for any parent. I watched my son look after his sister. I watched him cradle her head in his hands as she convulsed, all the while soothing her and reassuring her as she returned from confusion. He was tender, kind and focussed on her and her needs. It was a beautiful thing to see. It was reassuring to know that she could count on him. It brought me back to their childhood days, watching them play together, laugh together, when she played the protective big sister and he the happy side kick. There were years in between where it seemed they had taken separate paths ... now here they were again, sharing and caring.

Love is a beautiful thing, when given so freely and without conditions.

Thoughts

Listen to the voices of wisdom
Embrace opportunity
Weep at the loss of innocence
Celebrate the fortune of friends
Believe in something greater than yourself
Be humble in your victories
Love without reservation
Remember those who have gone before you
Be kind
Protect your integrity
Learn from failures
Be good to yourself
Respect others
Fight for justice
Question convention
Trust your intuition
Protect the weak
Be authentic

Innocence lost

For parents, when it comes to the unthinkable, losing a child in any way has to be the most unthinkable of thoughts.  Is it not the case that the mere hint of it in our consciousness has us banishing such morbidity to the darkest corner of our minds, fearful that its mental crystallization alone could tempt fate? Sadly however it happens. Whether it occurs slowly, through a progressive disease, or suddenly through some accident, it happens. And it happens to all types of people; rich and poor, good and bad, famous and innocuous, no matter. Tragedy and death are truly democratic that way.

I’ve known some of these people; those who have suffered this most devastating of loss. And in all likelihood, so too have you. For those of us more fortunate to date, we are instantly touched by this cruellest of tragedies, and just as quickly we are thankful for our personal ignorance. Losing a child, being robbed of the joys of watching them become adults, of seeing them in their triumphs and disappointments, of sharing in their lives and the lives of those they would have touched and created is life’s inherent unfairness personified.

For some, or so it seems, their lives cease to have any real hope of full joy. Every moment great or small is seen through a prism of profound loss. They are never again whole. For others, or so it seems, life takes on new meaning. They no longer live for just themselves, but for the child who will no longer experience life first hand. Reminded of the brevity and fragility of life, they double their efforts to live it more fully and openly. Without doubt there are countless variations in between.

I was recently reminded of this harsh reality by a new friend. Listening to her story, sensing her profound loss, hearing the pain and sad resignation in her voice, made me think, as it would many of you I’m sure, of how fortunate I am. How blessed to be able to touch my own children, to hear at any time their voices, to kiss their faces and to share their lives.

My new friend seems somewhere closer to living life fully, than living it in sorrow. But like everyone I'm sure she has her moments. And while she strikes me as brave, strong and determined to live her life as fully as she can, there is I sense a shadow there, a coolness about her that keeps her just beyond reach. Friendly, flirtatious, generous and kind, she engages all she meets. But still an unseen hand restrains her, protecting her, though now too late, from what has already been lost.

Each passing of family, friends, colleagues’ and even strangers diminishes our lives in some way. Certainly their passing reminds us of the temporary state of our own existence and what we truly value. But the loss of a child is more profound than other losess; in their loss it seems we lose the very last remnant of our own innocence.

June 2, 1988

Twenty three years ago my daughter Sara was born. My world changed then and its better now because of that change. Love you baby girl.

Dad

Phil ...

Today I said goodbye to Phil. He’s in a palliative care unit at a local hospital not far from where he spent a good part of his adult life. Where he raised his family, contributed to his community and faith and lived his life quietly and without assumption. As I write this, Phil lies in his last bed with his pillow from home, waiting for his good life to run its course. He’s surrounded by his world; a devoted wife and loving children. Phil is dying very much like he lived, quietly, privately and with great dignity. You see Phil, like the vast majority of us on this planet, isn’t extraordinary in populist terms, he isn’t going to be remembered in history books, and nobody’s going to hoist a statue of Phil in some park or name a school after him. Phil is just a regular guy. A decent human being who lived his life in a way that suggested he believed that love was a lifelong commitment, that family came first and work was something you did well but not at the expense of others. It seemed as well, by the life he lived, that he believed that contentment and steadfastness was more important and meaningful than excitement, and that the true measure and worth of a person was in what they did and not what they said. Phil treated everyone with respect and he sought to walk softly among us.


Plain and simple, without reservation or caveat, Phil was a good guy … a real good guy.

I'm taking a course ...

So I'm taking a course at a university that would not have given me the time of day thirty years ago but which apparently is more than willing to take my money now ... well actually my company’s money. Ya company! I'm taking a course in "innovation management" ... god you've got to love business fads. Now mind you I actually do think this rediscovery of innovation by business is a good thing, it certainly beats the crap out of the quality quest … yawn. But that’s really another discussion. What I'm on about now is opportunity. Not the formal learning opportunity piece, although that is certainly up there and has the additional benefit of keeping my brain from atrophying. But it’s not the content here that is the great experience, it’s the exposure to new people and their experiences that is the real bang for the buck.


While we all may readily claim to enjoy the experience of meeting new folks, the truth for many of us is that we rarely go beyond whom we already know and with whom we are already comfortable. And while our work environment can often provide opportunities to meet new people, the context of the exchange is often dominated by the safety of well known and understood subjects, so it's not really uncharted waters. The beauty of meeting new people in a learning environment is that it really is an experience that is somewhere between structured work and a rave. Of course you can turn it into an extension of work, hide behind social convention and learned behaviour, but you can also really get out there and take some chances. In fact I think that’s what I really loved about university 30 years ago … it was such a break from the tyranny of expectation. Hmmm interesting ... there might be a parallel there between High School and the corporate world. It seems to me that both are intentionally designed to suck the individuality out of you and have you conform. Yes sir behave appropriately, think appropriately …. and for god sakes dress appropriately (what’s up with that anyway .... some WWII hang over). University on the other hand (not college by the way ...that's a way too practical) is a little more wide open, unless of course you opted for the something really dumb like an MBA … not much time for self discovery when you’re busting a nut to take over the world.

I think the great thing about the petri dish of university is that it really offers you an unparallel opportunity to hear and see diversity at work … there are few other environments where you can drop the defences, embrace your own ignorance and have access to wonderful minds and experiences. Of course I’m not talking about your average undergraduate or graduate student … many of those are still grappling with acne and fitting in … I’m talking about people who have come back to school … both young and old who have experienced some life, some joy, some defeat but who remain curious and energized by possibility ... these folks and the experience of meeting and working with them is ubber-cool  ...

Take a chance ... take a course .... meet some random people

In search of wisdom

I think it’s time, time to do something a little different. You see most of my life I have spent chasing the moment never seriously contemplating the impact of living my life in that way. I just allowed the immediate to dominate. I fell into things, into habits, attitudes and perhaps even people. I saw my decisions as isolated events rarely if ever really considering their pattern or that they might undermine my future in ways that would be irreconcilable. It’s not that I didn’t want to make something of my life, I did. But intent is not the same as doing. Now my life has not been wasted or even badly lived, I have done many good things, and I have enjoyed some success. But I know equally that I am not at my intended destination and that I have cheated myself and those closest to me out of a greater good.

Recently I‘ve come to see more clearly that we don’t randomly arrive at some destination. We arrive at the destination that is at the end of the path we have chosen. This is not some great revelation to many of you, and intellectually it seems obvious. But do we really live to this truth every day. Or do many of us more often than not make decisions that serve the moment over furthering our intent? Do we fool ourselves into believing that we can somehow reverse or change the destination of our decision making at some magical moment to arrive at our intended place. Our decisions have patterns, and those patterns have predicable outcomes. We only need to look at them objectively and honestly to know where they will lead. Spend your money and you will have none. Make no effort and you will have no success. Blame someone else and you will make the same mistakes. If on the other hand you set goals for yourself; make decisions that move you towards those goals you stand a chance of reaching them. Live with only intention and decisions that serve the moment and your chances of reaching your intended goal is left to chance. I think your life and my life deserves more than a spin of the wheel.

Unfortunately there are some things that can never be recovered; a marriage lost, money spent, friends abandoned, time. But regardless of where we may now find ourselves ... there is always time for improvement and for building and sharing wisdom.

These aren't my thoughts, at least they weren't until someone shared them with me ... but I'm going to own them now.